So, I’ve been waiting for a baby for a while. Not as long as some. Some women wait 10 years or more. I have been married for almost seven years, six of which have been spent trying and waiting and hoping.
And, I turn 35 this month. What?!
I know. I get it. I’m still young. Well depends on whom you’re comparing me to. In the Utah culture, where I am from, 35 is just a tiny bit old to be starting to have kids. I have friends who have been playing the parenting game for some time. Some have teenagers. How did that happen?
Most days I handle my wait for kids just fine. I have things to do. I carry on. I keep busy. I know I’m headed in a good direction right now that I hope will lead to some additions in our family in the not-so-distant future.
But there are days that are hard. They’re the days I am surrounded by little ones, especially at church where the littles are so cute and smile and giggle and coo and cry and give me that fun, curious look. They’re the days I read a children’s book and think about the day I when I will read that book to my child. They are the days when I surf through social media and see pics and videos of littles making a mess with their food or saying the silliest things or just looking so darn cute!
Now, I’m going to take a step back for a second and make sure you know that I am so happy for these parents who get to experience these things. Jealous? Yes. Of course! I want what they have. But I’m happy that they have it. I can feel both.
Sometimes those on the outside of the infertility struggles don’t see all that is happening to those on the inside. And those on the inside experience the struggles and emotions associated with the struggles a little differently. I know some who can’t watch the videos or look at the pics because it stirs up too many emotions of loss and empty arms. And there are others who can watch. And sometimes the deluge of feelings can be so hard to navigate that a person can be fine looking at the pics and videos one day and not the next.
The onslaught of infertility feelings can be overwhelming, yes.