Yes, this is an infertility story.
I’m going to do it. I’m going to write about something that is hard for me to communicate. I’m going to put myself out there—not because I’m looking for recognition or understanding, but because I’m a writer and as a writer I need to free myself and not keep certain things bottled up inside. I need to understand what I’m going through from a different perspective. And the best way I know how to do that is through writing.
Why have I chosen to share this with you and not just write in my private journal? Maybe I’m tired of being so secretive about this. Maybe I am looking for support. Maybe I hope to find a kindred spirit. I don’t know.
What I do know is this:
I have a hard time believing that the things I go through matter to other people. No one has said this to me. In fact, friends and family have communicated the opposite. They want to know what is going on in my life. I just need to communicate better. I need to stop believing I don’t matter to them or that I’m not as important as other things.
I have had a hard time writing the last few years because I tend to bottle a lot of feelings and thoughts inside. I can’t do that as a writer. As Ernest Hemingway said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” When I write, and I have heard this from other writers as well, I let parts of me bleed into the paper—or computer. But when I keep so much bottled inside, unwilling to let anything escape, my writing and my desire to write suffer.
I want to practice writing more nonfiction. My best subject is myself. And the best challenges are the ones that are truly challenging. This will truly be a challenging experience.
So without further explanation, I begin. And I mean begin. That’s all it is today. Just the beginning. Maybe later I’ll write the middle and the end.
I remember asking my mom when I was little, “What if I can’t have babies when I grow up?”
My mom, supportive and hopeful for her child as most moms are, simply said, “Don’t worry. You will be able to have children.”
I continued on with my life, believing in those words. I still believe in those words, even when it is hard to believe.