I Used to Think I Was Unattractive but I Was Actually Hyper Self Conscious

A long time ago, before Scott fell in love with me and showed me who I really am, I thought I was not pretty and undesirable. Basically, I used to think I was unattractive, but...

I have struggled with confidence since I was a kid for many reasons. A lot of it had to do with how I let friends treat me and how I let other people's words affect me. All of that affected how I perceived myself and how I presented myself to others. Usually I hid. I didn't want others to see the real me because I didn't want to be made fun of or teased. If I was quiet in the corner, what could people do to me?

The answer is: not much. But I definitely did a number on myself.

I Didn't Date Much in High School

In fact, the few dates I did go on were mostly ones in which I asked a guy to a school dance so I could be with my friends. My first date was a disaster. The guy was super nice, but I was way too shy and did not know how to carry or respond to a conversation. I have always felt both grateful to my first date because he was so kind, and embarrassed because I was like a walking manikin the entire date.

Still, I wanted to date, and I wanted to be noticed. I hoped and hoped that a guy would ask me out, but it didn't happen.

High school Sara

Senior year of high school Sara

When I got to college, I dreamed of guys noticing me. Maybe things would be different in a school that wasn't in my home town with a bunch of people I grew up with. But, nothing. Again, my very few dates were with guys I asked out or with guys I was set up with. Very few.

I Thought Something Must Be Wrong with Me

I must be ugly. Was it my crooked teeth? Was it my hair? Was it my eyes or my face?

I questioned everything. Because if I was pretty, guys would ask me out, right?

I believed I was not pretty for a long time.

Why else was no one looking at me?

I Overheard a Conversation One Day

Walking through the hall toward my next class, I overheard a conversation happening right behind me. A guy was talking to a girl about how he can tell which girls are married without looking at their hand.

(Here it is important to note that I went to a school in Utah where both men and women, because of the predominant religion that I also belong to--The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--married young. So many women and men were married in my school. But, of course, there were many single hopefuls as well.)

The conversation was not long, but it ended with the guy pointed out another girl in the hall, that felt very pointed in my direction, and claiming that she (I) was clearly married. I had my hands stuffed in my jacket pockets, so of course he couldn't see anything.

I was curious about this conversation for a long time, as evidenced, clearly, by my remembering the experience even over a couple decades later. I didn't understand why he would think that I was married until I started to examine what I was doing.

I was very focused as I walked through the hall. I had a purpose and direction and that's what I was going to accomplish. My head was not swiveling in either direction, looking to see who might be noticing me. So I wasn't looking for a guy to flirt with. My true conclusion is that he thought I was married because I wasn't making myself available or approachable.

Years Later I Had Another Great Conversation that Shed Some Light

After church one day, I sat on the couch outside my bishop's office waiting to talk with him. Sitting across from me on the floor was a guy from my ward. We got to talking about random things and the conversation steered toward dating. This is where I admitted I didn't date much.

At the time I was 26, graduated from college, working in my then career in marketing, and still hoping for dates. I was going to a very young singles ward because I felt prompted to join, but was discouraged because most of the men in the ward were newly returned missionaries who didn't seem interested in a girl five years olde than them, and neither was I. (God works in mysterious ways, though, because I ended up marrying one of them.)

When I mentioned that I don't date much as was frustrated about it, the guy I was talking to very kindly remarked that it was because I was intimidating. I don't remember what he said after or if he explained his reasoning, but I continued to think on his words, letting them sink in, realizing he was right. But not for the reasons one might think.

It wasn't because I was overly beautiful. It wasn't because I had a giant ego. It wasn't because I was wildly successful. It was because I made myself unapproachable.

At leas unapproachable for dating.

I got along with guy co-workers just fine. I always had, even when I worked at Arby's in high school. I also go along with the guys I went to church with. We knew how to joke and have fun. But I was always slightly closed off in a way that I know now made it intimidating for a guy to ask me out.

I Used to Think I Was Unattractive: Why this Story?

First, it's Valentine's Day next week and my anniversary the week after. Love is on my mind and all that brought me to the wonderful life I have with the man who became my best friend.

Second, as I was contemplating what to write for this week's post, I thought about how hard it is for me to open up to people because I've practiced closing myself off to others for so long. I'm working on it and blogging and podcasting, sharing my stories and other's stories, because I believe they can help others.

Third, I came to the wrong conclusion about myself for so long. I know the truth now because I was willing to open up, take a closer look, and understand what was really happening. I didn't date a lot not because I was ugly, I don't believe that about myself anymore, but because I was unwilling to open up to others, connect, share, be myself, let others in.

How often do we come to the wrong conclusion about ourselves because we're only looking at the surface level possibilities. We have to dig deeper sometimes, but more so, we need to be honest with ourselves. It was never about how others perceived or judged me, it was about how I perceived and judged myself and then communicated that with others.

I'm still working on opening up and letting others in to see me. It is and will be a life-long journey, but I know now that if I want to connect with others, I need to be willing and ready to connect from the beginning--I have to communicate with my words and actions that I want to do so.

Maybe you've had a similar experience. If you're willing to share, send me a message or feel free to leave a comment.

Thanks for reading!