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Infertility Feels

I’ll be honest, I don’t let my infertility feelings out very often. I tend to push them down or ignore them ’cause, really, I don’t want to feel them. I don’t want to feel the want, the hands aching, the heart aching, the jealousy, the “what about me,” the “look what I can’t have,” the …. I don’t know… just feels, all the feels.

Yoga teaches me to open my heart and be okay with the feelings, no judgement.

Sometimes I believe the world teaches: Cry and yell and scream, “what about me?!” but be careful what you say ’cause you could offend someone.

My church/religion teaches that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father love me and this is all a part of life and mortality.

That last one I truly believe and maybe that’s why I don’t usually talk too much about my feelings. I’m working within myself to be okay with the way things are, to accept them, and know that one day things will work out.

And I have accepted it. I’m okay and excited for the direction Chef Comte and I are taking to grow our family. I know our plan is right and it will be good for us, for our family, and for our children.

But, just because we have a direction doesn’t mean the infertility feels go away. I still have empty arms. I still don’t have a child, yet. 🙂 (It will happen.)

Okay, what am I getting at?

The feels, yes. All the feels.

Sometimes I feel a lot of things. Sometimes the feels are simple. Sometimes the feels are complicated. Some days are hard on my feels, for many different reasons. Sometimes being at church and seeing children is hard on my feels. Sometimes not seeing children is hard. Sometimes holidays with children around are hard. Sometimes holidays without children around are hard. Sometimes making friends with people who have kids is hard. Sometimes not making friends with people who have kids is hard. Sometimes watching my close friends with their children is hard. Sometimes friends or family trying to consider my possible feelings and not talking about their children or baby or family is hard. Sometimes seeing pregnancy or birth announcements is hard. Sometimes not seeing or hearing about them because people are trying to consider my feelings is hard.