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Infertility Feels

Jul 11, 2018

I’ll be honest, I don’t let my infertility feelings out very often. I tend to push them down or ignore them ’cause, really, I don’t want to feel them. I don’t want to feel the want, the hands aching, the heart aching, the jealousy, the “what about me,” the “look what I can’t have,” the …. I don’t know… just feels, all the feels.

Yoga teaches me to open my heart and be okay with the feelings, no judgement.

Sometimes I believe the world teaches: Cry and yell and scream, “what about me?!” but be careful what you say ’cause you could offend someone.

My church/religion teaches that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father love me and this is all a part of life and mortality.

That last one I truly believe and maybe that’s why I don’t usually talk too much about my feelings. I’m working within myself to be okay with the way things are, to accept them, and know that one day things will work out.

And I have accepted it. I’m okay and excited for the direction Chef Comte and I are taking to grow our family. I know our plan is right and it will be good for us, for our family, and for our children.

But, just because we have a direction doesn’t mean the infertility feels go away. I still have empty arms. I still don’t have a child, yet. 🙂 (It will happen.)

Okay, what am I getting at?

The feels, yes. All the feels.

Sometimes I feel a lot of things. Sometimes the feels are simple. Sometimes the feels are complicated. Some days are hard on my feels, for many different reasons. Sometimes being at church and seeing children is hard on my feels. Sometimes not seeing children is hard. Sometimes holidays with children around are hard. Sometimes holidays without children around are hard. Sometimes making friends with people who have kids is hard. Sometimes not making friends with people who have kids is hard. Sometimes watching my close friends with their children is hard. Sometimes friends or family trying to consider my possible feelings and not talking about their children or baby or family is hard. Sometimes seeing pregnancy or birth announcements is hard. Sometimes not seeing or hearing about them because people are trying to consider my feelings is hard.

Why are these feels so dang confusing?

For those who have gone through any type of infertility, even secondary infertility, you may get what I’m saying.

For those who have have not, you may be wondering, “Then how in the world do we help you or validate your feelings or consider your feelings or whatever?”

The answer: I have no freakin’ idea!

Every person with infertility feels their feels and responds to them differently. Some have to completely ignore pregnancy and birth announcements. Some need to step away from the conversations that are all about children. Some are fine being involved in those things.

Really, dealing with the feels is like every other feeling out there. They’re confusing. We all recognize and react to them differently.

So, what, then, can you do? Love? Yes, love.

Hopefully, we’ll tell you what we need. And maybe we’ll act irrationally at times. Sorry for that; we’ll feel better soon, or it may take some time, but we’ll get there.

The point is, I don’t have a lot of answers. I can be completely fine in a situation one day and the next I just want out. But, I do feel it’s important to reciprocate the love. It’s great that my friends and family have children and babies and their families continue to grow. I’m happy for the experiences they have in parenting. I can’t relate very well, but I still want to be part of their lives.

Just know that many of us with infertility are trying to understand our feels too. And some are experiencing heartache a little more close to home. Some may have just experienced something tragic in their venture to conceive. Sometimes the feels are too feely.

You may not always know what to say. You may say the wrong thing. Sometimes we do too. But love, that’s what we really need. Love helps the bad feels feel better, even just a little bit.


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