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I Just Have to Believe: An Endometriosis Story

Jun 7, 2017

How do I start?

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while–a few years. I keep putting it off. Today, I have courage.

A while ago, a few years ago, I wrote about finding out I have endometriosis. For those who don’t know, endometriosis is when tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus. I just saw an add that calls it a disorder. Thanks, internet.

Endometriosis can be painful for many women. But you can’t know you have it unless a doctor goes in to look for it.

My mom had a severe case years ago. She had terrible pains that landed her in the emergency room a few times. She also had abnormal periods, and no one had answers for her until it was so bad they decided to give her a hysterectomy. During the surgery, the operators found the endometriosis and saw that what was causing the most pain was the tissue that had attached to her colon.

I found out I had endometriosis after a year of trying to get pregnant. We finally went to an OBGYN that works with infertility and did all the tests. Everything came out normal, for both me and Chef Comte. The last test was to do a laparoscopy to determine two things: if my tubes were blocked and if I had endometriosis.

I had endometriosis.

After the tissue was removed, we waited a month and then decided to do AID (artificial insemination). The doctor told me that if I was younger, he would suggest I go on medication for a year to stave off the endometriosis. Because I was in my 30s, I think I was barely 30 or 31, he suggested I try to get pregnant right away.

So, that was the route we chose.

And we did it three times with no success.

And the doctor told us the next step would be in vitro.

Do you know how much that costs?

Chef Comte and I began looking into it right away. If we could do it, why not?

But after looking into the process and the financing–I even called the fertility clinic hoping we’d be able to start soon–we decided now was not the time. Chef Comte had to go away for six months for training and I needed to stay behind to keep my job. We weren’t sure what things would be like when he got back. And we were worried about taking out a loan when we had to prepare for his trip. So, we put it on hold.

It’s now been three years.

Like in my first post about my discovery of endometriosis, I don’t have an end. And I think there is still more middle to come.

We’ve looked into in vitro and adoption and are setting a good course that will hopefully lead to some more middle and an end soon.

I still cry. But I mostly keep the emotions bottled up inside. I can’t let the sadness get to me. I might break me. Maybe not. Maybe I’m stronger than that. Either way, I choose happiness and the good things that are happening in my life despite not having the children I hope for, yet.

I don’t mind talking about it though. Since I have tried to be more open, I have learned of so many women who are also going through infertility. There are many of us. Really! And my heart aches for everyone. It’s a hard thing to go through, knowing that your body should work a certain way but it’s not. Knowing that your route to motherhood may cost a little more or take a little more time.

But, I believe that it will all work out, somehow. I just have to believe.

Oh, we did buy a puppy though. He’s pretty cute and makes me quite happy.


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